My mom is all up in my health again. And I guess someone should be since I hardly give a shit.
Who are these people that can make doctor’s appointments and life appointments and pay student loans and keep their life in perfect order. That shit makes me suicidal. Want to see me lose my ability to write really fast? Ask me to put everything in a certain order.
I’ve been thinking about this and I know the answer. I’m obsessive compulsive. When I was a little kid, I’d get super nervous and to calm myself I would count or play these bizarre games where I would have to recite all the conversations I had in a day backwards. Then it got more severe and to calm myself I had to run concentric circles on the top of my head an odd number of times till I wasn’t about to lose my shit. I would also do it while reading. It was so, so calming.
Until my mother noticed I’d rubbed off the hair on the top of my head in about a fifty cent piece shape. I was told to stop doing this. It was a command more than a request cause little girls shouldn’t have huge bald spots. I was filled with shame over my private pacification method.
That was around the same time my mother decided I was losing my mind. To be perfectly honest, I probably was, I was trying to be the smartest with the best grades while worrying about the fact that my parents could die any second, the world could end in any moment and that it was very likely no one would ever love me.
So she pulled me out of all the programs and the testing and the all encompassing hell hole that was my gifted program childhood. And I decided that I’d never join anything again, which was also lame.
I think, to this day, despite what chaos I’ve created for myself, I can blame that meltdown for how I deal with things by not dealing with them at all.
In a way, life just sorts itself out while I am busy being a brassy broad. And I have to stick with this methodology even if it’s probably not the best one out there cause the last thing I want to do is drive myself insane and have to rub off all my hair in order to find that missing calm in my life.
Cause there’s always the chance that my life wasn’t constructed to be calm.
You are probably right as indeed some of us were not constructed to be calm! Great post thank you for sharing it!