Archive for July, 2009

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Seth Rogan Reacts To Megan Fox’s Rejection

July 31, 2009

I honestly really like Seth Rogan. He is geek chic and I like chubby, funny dudes. I was a chubby, funny chick. Some days I am still chubby. It’s a work in progress. Here’s a video where Seth explains what it’s like to be rejected by Megan Fox.  Then he gets to watch the video while people all over America watch him get rejected in slow motion.

Seth Rogan reacts to watching Megan Fox reject him in 2007.It’s honestly painful in the sort of way where I want to swoop down and hug him, but then I’d have to endure his laugh, which is a sort of bizarre man giggle.  Men should never giggle.  Just saying.

Posted in Jimmy Kimmel, Megan Fox, News & Gossip, Seth Rogan | Tagged , , , , | Leave a Comment »

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Lady Gaga Is Still Annoying

July 31, 2009

Whoa today was my last day writing at F-listed.  Now I have to catch up on other work and fill the gap that they’re going to leave financially.  Lucky for me I am willing to do other awesome things like wash toilets topless and yell at people for money.  I hope that means I’ll be rolling in dough by next Thursday.

Speaking of rolling in dough, I am not certain why Lady Gaga is getting to be so famous, but it’s happening.  Today she wore a purple beehive to venture out in the world and run the sort of errands a minx like she runs.  I can only suppose errands like that have something to do with getting ready for the total male orgy she’ll be the star of later this evening.  Please, correct me if I’m wrong.

Posted in Famous People, Lady Gaga | Tagged , , | 5 Comments »

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The Birthday

July 21, 2009

Oh man, thanks to the miracle of the iPhone I can findghe time to update while lying in bed. My birthday was awesome, thanks in part to the wonderful Colin and Riley Ray. Before we drove up to Las Vegas Colin gave me his present, a giant painting of me and Mugzy the Wonder dog! This thing is fucking beautiful and I’ll post a treat hi-res photo of it tomorrow. As for now my crappy iPhone photo will have to do. I am a muse, which is a nice change since I made so many worthless men a muse in the past. More than that, it’s probably the best, most thoughtful present I’ve ever been given! Tomorrow I’ll write about the trip and post photos.

Posted in Bad Ideas, Relationships, Traveling, Vacations, alcoholism, partying, summertime | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments »

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One Day Older & Deeper In Debt

July 13, 2009

Ugh, I made this stupid mixtape that I wasted  a lot of time on trying to get right, and probably it’s still not right, but 8 tracks will not allow me to embed the fucking player and it is driving me mad.  If you want, you can check it out on my 8 Track account.  Also, I have to poop.  Saturday I made an incredible batch of Jungle Juice like I was in college and went to the beach with Colin & our friend Justin, where I proceeded to get drunk and talk until I was good and sun burnt.  I’m really building Colin’s repertoire of male friends.  Too bad he can’t help me in the female friend department.  Too bad I can’t even help myself there.  Ugh.

I turn 28 on Saturday and I am pretty sure that this is the first time in my life that I do not care what I’m doing on my birthday.  I mean, I’m turning 28.  I made it past 27 without drinking myself into acoma or dying of a communicable disease.  It’s all down here from now.  Snoozeville, boringtown, hell-in-monotony.  Does that mean I am losing my touch?  The idea of blowing it out my ass is just sort of absurd because I come home to the same person.  What a drag it is getting old.  Well, it’s a drag, but not cause of that.

Sometimes it’s nice to wake up naked, on the floor and have someone explain to you that you decided to lock them outside naked and proceeded to pass out on the floor while they were scaling the side of the apartment to get themselves back in.  Sometimes you deserve to be left on the floor.  Love is not the great equalizer when a bottle of white wine turns you into Loki.  I haven’t even slowed down in the partying department, really.  I just think I care less about having people show up on my birthday in mass quantities to stare at me having the time of my life.  I guess growing up is really more about proving shit to yourself than your audience.   Honestly, all this means is Friday afternoon I will come up with some half-assed plan to blow it up bigger than ever, with pyrotechnics and a lazer light show and a certifiable human sacrifice.  Let’s just hope that sacrifice isn’t myself.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

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My Life According To Kanye West

July 10, 2009

Because I am trying to post everyday during the week I decided to do one of these lame memes.  And why not?  There’s a lot of bands I could have used for this, but I opted for Kanye West because he is the only person that has the song, “Drunk & Hot Girls” and so what if that is like my theme song?  Actually, I like Kanye because he linked back to some stuff I wrote on F-listed and if he ever linked back to me here my face my explode.  He also directed that new Drake video with all the girls with wonderful bouncing titties.  Anyone responsible for that is ok by me.

I am going to wrap this up because Colin got home and realized he’d achieved a $500.00 red light camera ticket and I suppose I should go and comfort him.  I guess by that I mean get offline and watch him stare at a piece of paper, then curse it out, then rationalize it, then curse it out some more than sort of make me feel badly even though it has nothing to do with me.

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to people you think would find this interesting (including me). You can’t use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It’s a lot harder than you think! Repost as “My Life According to Kanye West”

Pick Your Artist
Kanye West

Are you a male or female?
Hey Mama

Describe yourself:
Drunk And Hot Girls

How do you feel:
Champion

Describe where you currently live:
Flashing Lights

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Diamonds From Sierra Leone

Your favorite form of transportation:
Drive Slow

Your best friend is:
Roses

Your favorite color is:
Gold Digger

What’s the weather like:
Coldest Winter

Favorite time of the day:
Good Morning

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
Bad News

What is life to you:
Everything I Am

Your relationships:
Welcome To Heartbreak

Your fear:
Big Brother

What is the best advice you have to give:
Wake Up Mr. West

If you could change your name, you would change it to:
Barry Bonds

Thought for the Day:
See You In My Nightmares

How I would like to die:
RoboCop

My soul’s present condition:
Love Lockdown

My Motto:
Never Let Me Down

Posted in Getting shit done, writing | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments »

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Riley Steele, The Beach & My Very First Orgy

July 9, 2009

Man, writing for a living means if I want money I am going to be writing, which is probably the weirdest thing.  Sometimes, writing does not feel like a chore, it just feels right, and everything’s great and I am jammin’.  Then sometimes it is 83 degrees outside and I can walk to the beach and I know that I should stay inside and write like a fucking bandit but I just hear the call of the wild and I am on my bike and flying down the street with the wind in my hair before I have time to remind myself I like to be able to pay bills and eat food.

This morning I interviewed Riley Steele for F-listed.  She’s actually really pretty and nice.  It’s strange when the first thing I want to say about a woman that gets the shit fucked out of her is that she’s the sort of person I wish was my neighbor, but really it isn’t.  Porn stars are good, fun people that know how to swallow a whole dick while working on a macrome bag for their Aunt Delores in Delano, Texas.   Anyways, now I am on the mailing list for press releases for Digitial Playground, so I get to be invited to all sorts of porn star parties and what not, which is always something I strive for.  I’ll remember to write ya’ll from my very first orgy.  I guess that could be the title of my first children’s book for grownups–the Everyone Poops of hard core group sex.  You’d find it for sale in places like Urban Outfitters and it will be your most beloved coffee table book, My Very First Orgy.  Hopefully, I can get the people that illustrated Everyone Poops to draw the pretty pictures for me.  That might be my next dream project.  So awesome.

Posted in Bad Ideas, Getting shit done, Hilarious, writing | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments »

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A Flash Forward Of Past Events

July 8, 2009

Someone was giving me shit about not posting any photos from Hawaii. Not that anyone will even care but here’s everything I have from that trip. Colin has a bunch of the really good ones, but I guess we’ll just have to suck it up and enjoy what I’ve got for you.

Posted in Bad Ideas, Hawaii, Relationships, Traveling, Vacations, alcoholism, body image, partying | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

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Erin Gaia & Michael Jackson

July 7, 2009

Because I am an asshole, I do not have any photos from when Erin and I dicked around during her big work trip in San Diego. I can tell you two things that happened. I lied to all her coworkers and told them I was from San Diego and Erin and I got super fucking wasted at the rooftop bar of the Hard Rock Hotel where I dubbed a man Queer Bait when he asked me never to call him Faggot Hands. Then all his friends started calling him Queer Bait and I may or maynot have ruined his life forever.

Michael Jackson & ET.

After that was over we drove back to her hotel the fact that we even made it there is sort of surprising.  At any rate, we sat in my car deep in drunk talk and for whatever reason I announced that I had been listening to a lot of Michael Jackson lately.  This was before his death, so I suppose I would like to take credit for not only the resurgence of his career, but his death too.  And then Erin and I sat in my car with our feet on the dashboard listening to Smooth Criminal because, according to Erin it is a highly under appreciated.  Plus, the music video was bitchin’.  At some point we got out of the car and then I did some drugs and she passed out because she had to catch a flight in the morning.  I stayed up thinking about San Diego and Erin and Michael Jackson because I knew when I fell asleep they’d all be gone and I’d wake up alone and head back to Los Angeles alone.

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