Nymphomania or Narcolepsy? 2.0

I’ve been trying to post for the past week, but it seems like every time I sit down to blog everything else gets in my way, usually that stuff is work.  So, for the mundane stuff.  I am doing the raw foods detox again.  It’s the right time of year March is pretty boring and I know someone is going to bring up St. Patty’s Day, but honestly, I am pretty sure the last time I celebrated it was in 2006 when I was drunk everyday and I ended up getting so drunk on the 16th that I passed out for most of the 17th.  What do you want?  I am a monster.  Also on the horizon, Erin is coming to visit at the end of the month.  So why not detox for the next 21 days?  Once she gets here it is going to be like some sort of fucked up free for all.

Speaking of Erin and free foralls, I think I am going to buy one of those giant popcorn popping circus machines.  For reals.  I ended up taking back my Vaio laptop to stupid Best Buy for the 50th time and they were like OH, WELL, THIS MIGHT BE A LEMON.  Turns out it was a lemon and I have like a $2,000 gift card to Best Buy.  The only thing is, I don’t really need anything.  So I was checking out their website when I say this amazing beauty:

It’s only $379.00 and once I get it I can throw a circus themed party.  The plan is for when Erin gets here to dress up my bulldog in a tophat and get Erin a trapeze and then start the machine and eat popcorn and proceed to get really, very extremely drunk.  You know, like ya do.  Probably, I will hire a fucking photographer to capture the memories since I probably won;t have any.  Drinking after you do the raw foods fast is sort of like getting drunk for the first time when you are 5-years-old.  It is instant and it is intense.  Anyways, if you’re in the LA area the last weekend of March and you hear about two women that get arrested for public intoxication with a moving popcorn cart, well, you’ll already know who it is.

In other news, my other really good friend has decided to become a whore.  This is all very funny because she continues to claim to be a virgin only one of the guys is saying he boned down with her.  And when I say one of the guys I mean to explain that she has two lovers.  One in New York and one in LA.  Eventually I got bored of both of the dudes coming to me for answers so I told them both the truth.  She’s got two lovers and does not plan to get rid of either of them.  The one in NY threw her out of his shanty.  Let me explain this to you, my friend is a super pretentious, stuck up snob.  The fact that she’d be willing to live in this guys apartment that looks like some terrifying rape place in SVU is beyond me.  Also, he was whiney and boring.

The other guy is fun and lives in LA and let’s face it, I liked him more from the getgo.  I did not like, however, the fact that she thought it was ok to keep two lovers.  There are rules among whores and one of them is not keeping two lovers.  You can cheat on a guy, but you do not make your lover your other boyfriend.  I mean, what sort of idiot tries to keep up two lives?  Anyways, she tried to do this, and almost got away with it becuase she is bi-coastal, but because I am a total bitch, I was like YOU NEED TO PUT AN END TO THIS.  IT IS CRAMPING MY STYLE.  And she promised me she would.  I knew she wouldn’t because she’s a compulsive liar, but I ended up getting more than my fair share of attention from her charade.  So insead of telling her one more time that I disagreed with her.  I decided that I would just take matters into my own hands.  As far as I know she currently has no boyfriends, but she’s a compulsive liar and might have two boyfriends or even be having sex with both of them and lying about it.  Actually, now that I think about it, she might as well be having sex with them both because it would be the best lie she’d ever tell.  In fact, she’s having sex with both of them now that I think about it.  I mean, why not?  It seems like the thing to do, and moreover it seems like something she’d do since she made such a big deal out of being a virgin.