A Place For Awesome

if you know me, you may or may not have heard from me last night–in the case that you did. I was so drunk I am not capable of remembering anything that I told you. It would be fucking swell if you could memo me on it because so far I realize that I have:

a.) lost my house keys.
b.) lost a pair of glasses
c.) lost one pair of dignity
d.) lost my date. i will be honest aboout this and tell you that I wasn’t so into him and i basically left him to die at the bar while I walked away and went to an entirely different bar with some other dude because i am a trainwreck and a whore.
e.) lost my phone, to find my phone to have one of my bestfriends call me and tell me he broke up with his girlfriend, which got me to using my phone which means i started calling people. i realize that i started calling people and got confused calling my ex and called someone else and left an insane message. if you are this person, you know, deal with it.
f.) i am a trainwreck.
g.) I went to the bathroom at somepoint before I ditched my date and before I went nuts–and i kicked open the door with the might of zeus thereby knocking over a table in the bathroom and consequently knocking over the vase on that table and breaking it into a million little pieces. then i proceeded to fall on the glass and water and when some bitch snickered at me i told her very insanely that i would fight her like i was a fucking gorilla of jesus and smash her face into the fucking mirror.
h.) i woke up in someone’s bed without my pants. i realize that this is not a monumental even as I am known to de-pants myself when i get drunk enough, but it also clearly shows that i am taking a page out of the brian brennen school of drinking.
i.) i told a stranger they had an “aids face”
j.) i woke up my sister’s boyfriend at 330am and told him i wanted to keep drinking.
k.) while on the phone, at some point, i put it on speaker while talking and proceeded to puke into the street and continue my conversation–when the person i was talking to said, “what the fuck was that?” i responded, “some puke–a lot of rum and vodka and a cookie i didnt want to fucking eat.”
l.) i don’t care if anyone talks to me ever again because i had the best time i could by making an ass out of myself. my legs are all bruised up. and i may have destroyed the harem of men i was building, but sometimes the pursuit of awesome is more than i can handle. also, i think i am a full fledged drunk and i don’t get hangovers anymore. if you want to be my best friend, or go drinking with me, please memo me as things are getting incredibly out of control and you all should be apart of it.
m.) i am about to get ready to start drinking again. i am on my way to my friend’s party and i plan to kill myself in the very least.

the end.