I am really excited to be home right now in my room, in my bed, on my computer. I spend most weekends gallivanting with my friends, living my life, and getting myself into terrible amounts of trouble. I love three a.m. as I lie in bed and rub my feet together in an even rhythm until I fall asleep or start a fire. Most days at three a.m. people are sleeping, resting to go to work. Most days, I am sobering up, or hanging out, or writing furiously. Sometimes at three a.m. I am even sneaking out, but only when I am sure you have hit really deep sleep. I pick up my things and I go home–so I can get back into my bed and lie there thinking for hours and hours on end. Somedays, I get really angry and we have a fight. I refuse to sleep at your house. I refuse to drive home and I lock myself in the car and go to sleep, tucking my knees under my chin in the fetal position. I fade away in a parked car on some side street in Hollywood. I erase the significance of my exsistence. You go back into the house and call my phone. You tell me I am insane and Probably going to get raped. I want you to come back outside and do something outrageous like scream into the streets You’re crazy! I love you! with the sort of sinking pain that swells at the end of each syllable of every word you say. It’s like writing my name in your blood–without the mess. Instead, we stay on the phone. You talk and I cry. You tell me to come inside and stop playing games. Game over. I get out of the car, stumbling onto the asphalt, scraping my hands and knees. I lie there momentarily sobbing in silence, my chest heaving, cursing the world in my head. My phone rings again. I sit up to answer it managing a tiny Hello into the receiver. I should have known you were going to keep playing games. Just stay in the car psycho blasts into my ear drum. Stay there for fucking ever. I am sick of this game. I am going to bed. Before I can say a word you’ve hung up. I lie on the ground again, this time, moaning loudly & letting all the pain rush from my head, my hands, my body into the shadowed monsters of my billowing echoes. Then I fall asleep.