I am obsessed with a lot of things and by obsessed I mean thinking a lot about stuff that generally takes up more time and space in my head than should be viable or necessary–while I should be doing important things like work or driving. Or other important things like sleeping or having conversations with “adult” type people that usually are weirded out by me. I like counting. I like doing it a lot. I count whenever I am walking around or suppose to be mind numbingly quiet. I just count. I like the numbers. They are calming and make me focus. I used to do this a lot when I would freak out with panic attacks as an overly dramatic child. I also like to pretend in my head that I am a prophet and I make all sorts of wild claims and wonder if they will come true. If I am lacking in sleep severely or drunk I oftentimes express these rarely shared prophecies. Don’t laugh, one day we might realize they are true and your religion may force you to pray to me–which would be awesome on so many levels that my head wants to explode merely thinking about it. I am midly obsessed with Rhapsody in Blue by George Gershwin. I have this fantasy where I will learn the entire piano part for it and then sit down at a piano in a bar and just start to play. Since I have no formal piano training all my friends would be in awe and tell the other patrons that they have never seen such feats of awesomeness. And then an entire orchestra would show up as I was really getting into the music. I would act really very shocked and surprised. I would be drinking heavily the entire time, before and during I performed the entire 16 minute piece. I also like to match my toe nail polish to my current emotional status. When I came home from visiting back east this summer my feet were 7 different shades of blue in a 4 week time frame. I like to make sure my silverware is all neat and perfectly lined up and then I like to eat with my fingers. I have to order a coffee, an iced tea and a water every time I go to a restaurant. Even if I only want one of them, or none of them. If I forget something I have to go and look in the fridge until I remember what it was. If I have one drink I will end up drunk all over the place. If someone starts a physical fight with me I never fight back. If I bump into your car I wont leave my info, I will blame you and say I am calling my attorney “Who is on speed dial” and nine times out of ten you will tell me to forget about it because you don’t want to deal with any of the trouble. I still haven’t put the plates on my car and I have owned it since April. Shit, I don’t even know if I have plates. If you ever do karaoke with me, I will not share the mic. I will act like I might at first, but I am a mic hog and a show off, and I can singer bigger, louder, and better than you. And I will. Around 3 a.m. most nights with good weather, I will go and lie in the grass in my front yard and feel really alive and peaceful. After I do this I can almost always fall asleep. Two words: Nash Bridges. I can’t actually quit a job. I just stop showing up. I would much rather someone break up with me than have to do it myself. Sometimes, I just gotta dance. Don’t get in my way when this is going on. Periodically, I say something wild like “I am going to kiss every man in this room.” Then I do it. I have to read at least one book a week. On a good week I can get through 4-5 books and still be partying all night. Making jokes about my mom. Always, always being stalked.