If you are like me, and you love all things Chinese related then you might just flip out over this. Kung Fu god, STEVEN SEGAL, and his giant fat head are endorsing a brand new energy drink. Lightning Energy Drink, it will make you a giant fat tub of lard. It will destroy your skills, if you have any, and instead of being kung fu master, you will wave your hands around in a way that seems intimidating while you get the urge to eat an entire turkey.

Also, the best part of that ENTIRE energy drink site is under INFORMATION: Biography of an Action Hero. Who in the fuck do they think they are kidding? Steven Segal is a fat fucking Buddhist that loafs around getting fatter. When there is silence the Buddhist influence around him causes his body to coagulate and you can ACTUALLY HEAR HIM GETTING FATTER. ACTUALLY. Also, is it just me and my insane fascination with Chinese or does Steven Segal’s eyes look incredibly Chinese in this picture of the power drink?

WARNING: If you drink Lightning Energy Drink you will turn into a fucking loser that smells like wet feet. I swear to Christ. I SWEAR. Also, you will turn Chinese. The End.