Nymphomania or Narcolepsy? 2.0

If you are like me, and you love all things Chinese related then you might just flip out over this. Kung Fu god, STEVEN SEGAL, and his giant fat head are endorsing a brand new energy drink. Lightning Energy Drink, it will make you a giant fat tub of lard. It will destroy your skills, if you have any, and instead of being kung fu master, you will wave your hands around in a way that seems intimidating while you get the urge to eat an entire turkey.

Also, the best part of that ENTIRE energy drink site is under INFORMATION: Biography of an Action Hero. Who in the fuck do they think they are kidding? Steven Segal is a fat fucking Buddhist that loafs around getting fatter. When there is silence the Buddhist influence around him causes his body to coagulate and you can ACTUALLY HEAR HIM GETTING FATTER. ACTUALLY. Also, is it just me and my insane fascination with Chinese or does Steven Segal’s eyes look incredibly Chinese in this picture of the power drink?

WARNING: If you drink Lightning Energy Drink you will turn into a fucking loser that smells like wet feet. I swear to Christ. I SWEAR. Also, you will turn Chinese. The End.

In the short amount of time that I have I am going to try to encapsulate what went on last night. And by short amount of time, I mean before everyone else here wakes up and realizes I finished almost an entire bottle of Johnny Walker Black. While my brother showed up and he finished an entire bottle of Tuaca and then proceeded to move onto drinking whatever was left of the vodka. The thing about the C. family is that when we drink we turn into the mischief makers from hell. If you have ever had the pleasure of drinking with myself–you already know what I am talking about. My brother, on the other hand, he likes to prove to all people around him that he is “The most awesome”. And since he took the job with MTV, his desire to push it into overdrive has excellerated. When he gets drunk he acts like Peepers, from the SNL skit starring Chris Kattan. He proceeded to jump on, lick, and throw people that he was meeting. He also ran away from the house, into the backyard of our neighbor and pissed all over everything. There is also the fact that he got into my friend’s “studio equipment” and “needed” to steal their mic. If you know anything about the C. family, it’s when we’re drunk PERHAPS we take things which do not belong to us. Like last week when I woke up and had a flowery assorment of signs in the trunk of my car. Yes. Then we got back here, to my house and my brother said maybe he was going to get into the shower for a while–becuase he had to be “up and out by 6:00am!” He is still passed out. And when he wakes up he will start drinking again, just like the C. people do.

Lately, I have noticed what I would like to refer to as a body dismorphic phenomenon. Until I get to the point, and I will get to it, it won’t make sense that it bothers me so much I want to kill. You see, I am talking about the influx of relatively thin women with giant fat arms. You know what I am talking about, they have the same shaped arms as your obese 87-year-old neighbor lady. The one who always wears sleeveless shirts and likes to wave as the bulbous array of fat which has replaced her bicep wongly waves at you also. Yea, that old lady. Well, why is it that so many thinnish women have that same fucking problem. I think it is fucking disgusting. Like someone took fat arms and put them on Mr. Potatohead. If you are thin, you should have thin arms and if you are fat you should have fattish arms. That is fucking logic. If you are one of these women–I hope you die from pancreatic cancer because you make me physically ill.

thanks.

It’s that time again. I have a new piece out at Sex-Kitten. Enjoy the erroneous excerpt:

The things I know about the Sixties are not experienced based, they’?ve come from books, movies, and the general knowledge of others. What’s important to me is not “?free love”?, but rather excess, excess, excess. And excess costs a lot; you can put a price on that for sure. Pass the champagne please.

When my house was “burning down” I was busy being as drunk as fucking possible with Gia_C. In lieu of an actual post, I give you this photo which I am going to title:

Too Many Drinks With That 29-year-old Fat Kid From MTV and Gia_C