Honestly, for every time a family member calls me asking me to explain how to buy something online or fix their iPhone/iPod/Word/Pages I figure I could have written at least 2 posts. Now you know one more excuse why I am not fucking posting enough. I guess I can print this out and hand it to my mom. If I do not post tomorrow it’s cause she shanked me in the face for being a smart ass.
Seriously, no flash photography please. However, I hate to get reamed by flickr for putting up titty shots of Amber Rose so we’re all going to have to deal. I post my personal photos on flickr as well, and let’s just say the last thing I need is my mother asking me why some bitch’s flapjack titty’s are all over my personal flickr. Anyways, I started partying and forgot I was writing this. Maybe later I will remember to upload photos and be more awesome and stuff. Until that point in time please enjoy this super bizarre AD for upstate NY attorney Jim “The Hammer” Shapiro. He will even deal with severed heads, yo!
It’s been a wild week filled with drinking and hangovers and catching up on paying work. Forgive me for putting this on the back burner for a bit. This summer has been really bizarre. Maybe it’s because I’m in a stable relationship with a stable desire to get things done and further my writing career. Or maybe it’s because two of my friends have had mental breakdowns. One was committed to a sanatorium for an eating disorder and the other, as recently as Monday, had locked himself in his apartment and refused to come out for nearly a week. In case you’re about to have a psychotic break, please remember that it’s just as stressful for your friends that want to help you but they have no idea what to do. Also, when you start hearing things and seeing things in mirrors, it’s time to seek help. No one believes that you’re haunted. Period. Anyways, I suppose I should catch you up with the awesome shit I’ve been finding on the internet. This is an amazing video, it’s a 30 second short that involves a monster and a child entitled, The Number To Heaven and I think it’s awesome.
In addition to that there’s been numerous hot photos and hilarious videos that I’ve been depriving you. So I guess Instead of making this an epically long post, I will just make it a super short post and get my priorities in order so I can start updating enough for my precious pets, right?
I know I am late to posting today, but I had important things to do like lie in bed naked and not do work. You know, the IMPORTANT things in life. However, while dicking around I found this hilarious video, The Ballad of G.I. Joe and everyone knows I am a sucker for all things Zach Galifianakis related, so enjoy!
Perhaps Billy Mays should have paid more attention to the live and hard times of singer Rick James and he might not have had his heart explode on him at the age of 50. Traces of the booger sugar were found in Billy’s system at the time of his autopsey. However, it was not injested the night of his death. Probably it was taken while he was on that business trip without his wife.
Which gets me to thinking, was Billy Mays pulling a Vice of Sham Wow fame and fucking a hooker while doing tons and tons of blow? Probably. Also, do not get me wrong, he didn’t deserve to die, but honestly, I think everyone would be better off if they paid attention to the wise ass words of Rick James. Everyone but me, I guess I’ll go and finish snorting that 8-ball of Columbia’s finest now.
Nick Cannon and NAS decided to make cultural remarks about the state of hip-hop. What they ended up doing it making themselves look like creepy assholes cause they made an incredibly racist song extremely catchy. And the last thing I want in my life is a song with the chorus, “Eat dat watermelon, eat dat watermelon, eat dat watermelon–sho’ is good!” to be stuck in my head. Maybe next time they decide to do this they could make the song way less catchy. Just sayin’.
I got super wasted on Wednesday night and I am pretty sure I am banned from an entire block. I guess that is what happens when you start drinking at 4pm and go the complete distance. Pacing, is of course for pussies. Plus, I was drinking tequila, which is the same thing as drinking demon juice for me. I should probably throw an apology out to everyone I offended, but I guess those people can all go and fuck themselves.
I started the day by covering the Ting Tings show for Amp Radio. They were awesome and did a killer acoustic set in the basement of the Key Club. I haven’t been to the Key Club in like 10 years, but the last time I was there I got fucking brink of insanity drunk and vomited all over their shitty bathroom.
I suppose the best way for me to make up for the fact that I was too busy to post on Wednesday and too hungover to post yesterday is to leave you with this ultra hot photos of Kelly Brook. Cause I too am a giver.
Check out the rest of the photos after the jump>>> Read the rest of this entry »
Journalists Laura Lee and Euna Lee have been pardoned by full time whacko and North Korean leader Kim Jong Il. My favorite American hero and blow job recipient, Bill Clinton went to North Korea as a high-profile diplomat with the hopes of getting the journalists released.
Slick Willy did his thing in North Korea, extending “words of sincere apology,” in order to get the Kim Jong to lighten up and release the two women. Earlier this year Ling & Lee were detained by North Korean police and then tried & convicted under North Korea’s Central Court for “committing hostilities against the Korean nation and illegal entry.” Until today, the two were serving 12 years in a labor prison, but are now freed, due in part to Bill’s apology and Kim Jong Il’s ability to pardon the duo under the, “humanitarian and peace-loving policy.”
Honestly, they’re just lucky they didn’t have to be Kim Jong Il’s love slave. Oh god, I am grossing myself out. Let’s hope the two have a safe return home and learn to enjoy their time in the States instead of dicking around near the North Korean border.
Photo source: Kayfabe
So these two are together again. I cannot wait for Lindsay to rip her hair out this time and Britney to go publically gay. Let the tragedies unite. This could be like the Voltron of tawdry, celebutants!
Speaking of tawdry celebutant types, I cannot figure out if I should dick around and do work today, which would be good since I sometimes like to make money do I don’t have to give handjobs to strange men. Or if I should go visit my sister and sit at the pool with her and dick around all afternoon in the sun. Decisions, decisions! I guess right now I will have a sandwich and linger. I guess this means you should help me decide what to do. That would be awesome!
I am fairly sure that in the accompanied video Tiger Woods farts and loudly at that. I wouldn’t be so sure of this if he hadn’t picked up his leg and done the “sneak a fart out coyly” dance with his leg. Anyone that’s going to tell me that Tiger Woods did not sneak attack a fart on camera probably shits their pants on the daily. Seriously, Tiger Woods, next time you decide to nom nom nom on spicy Mexican food the night before a big game at least be kind enough to wear a fucking diaper.
Check out the video here>>> Read the rest of this entry »
Race debates, Pat Buchanan sounding crazy and the old auto-tune. All the makings of another awesome viral video!
Check out part 7 after the jump>>>
In case you needed to know what sort of racist you are and fast head on over to Mad Atoms and check out this Racism chart by writer Junior Owens. I’m guessing more people are Blatant racists than they ever knew. Thank god for this chart so now everyone can know exactly what sort of asshole they were to begin with.
Whoa, I love Christina Hendricks and her zepplin tits. They are amazing, just like mine and honestly, what’s so wrong with that? I love Mad Men because it’s an incredible and epic program with great writing and acting, but let’s face it, I love it so much more because I can finally turn on the television and be confronted with a woman that has a body just like mine. Christina Hendricks, my tits give your tits a high tit five!
Mad Men starts again on August 16 on AMC at 10pm. If you have managed to miss it, you need to get it together and watch season 1 and 2 in the next two weeks. You too will want to be as dashing and shitty as the mysterious Don Draper. If nothing else, you can watch chicks with nice real tits bounce around your television screen.
A good woman is hard to find, but even harder to deal with. And let’s face it, there aren’t too many women left like Christina Hendricks cause most of them are busy trying to starve themselves, so let’s toast to Christina Hendricks and her super sexy character Joan Holloway, may they both be blessed with ample bosom and swiveling hips for years to come.
You can find more about Christina, her character Joan Holloway and Mad Men on the AMC website.
Yesterday I went to the Manhattan Beach six man tournament. Basically, if you are not from the area or you’ve never been it’s wall to wall people in less than nothing getting fucking wrecked on the beach while other wrecked people play volleyball. It’s about as much fun as anyone can plan to have on a Saturday afternoon at the beach.
I rode my bike 12 miles to get there so that once I was stupendously drunk I wouldn’t have to drive or do anything labor intensive. Then I got to the beach and chugged vodka and beers with friends and strangers alike while watching a couple of awesome games of volleyball. Most of them played by my good friends who were on the Texas team. The team probably had a much better name, but I was busy being wasted and didn’t ask or didn’t pay attention, which is actually the same thing I think.
The end of the day was characterized by me trying to figure out a way to stay longer. The sun was setting and I’d had enough sun, booze and volleyball to fill me up for the rest of the year. So I peddled my ass home. 12 miles returning is not nearly as easy as when you’re heading down, but what can do you do? You ride, that’s what.
If you like booze or boobs or the beach, and hopefully a mix of all three then I’d recommend attending the Manhattan Beach Six-Man Tournament next year. It’s worth the price of admission, which is likely your soul and your patience, cause sitting in a pool of people packed like a stuffed suitcase, can drive you to madness.
I am not a fan of this shit, but it turns out lots of you idiots are. So here is a great present for you, back-to-back Chris Brown wedding & divorce videos.
The original video, the wedding one, takes place in a church with amateurish dancing, but I suppose that is part of the charm. The divorce video takes place in a court house with what appear to be professional dancers. I mean, maybe they are not professionals, but they are certainly a lot better than the idiots at the wedding.
Honestly, if one more person comments that they want to do this at their wedding I think I am going to shank them right in their face. Why don’t people really surprise one another by getting married, staying married and destroying how high the divorce rate is. A shocking revelation, I know.
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